Born Thursday the 21st, 10:30pm. 6lbs 1oz, 18in.
You’ll have to forgive me because so many of the details are fuzzy. But I’ll start from the beginning.
Tuesday the 19th. My mom went with me to my doctors appointment. Nate had duty the previous day, so he was still at work. We dropped off the boys at my doula/friend’s house so we could have our serious discussion with the doctor while there.
We get to the office, having said our prayers to help me with my fears and worries. And I went in with my “bubble of peace” I knew we’d be checking fluid levels again, and doing another NST. I knew it would be important to them to confirm things were a-okay. I fell asleep during the NST (which apparently she was tachy again), so when it came time to check the fluids, baby showed up on screen as a FOOTLING BREECH. "Oh crap…you have GOT to be kidding me" I said, as I knew the possibility of me doing an induction if the fluid levels were back down was pretty high.
Indeed the levels had gone down from an 8.9 to a 3.7.
I had been drinking TONS of water and taking long baths the entire weekend/monday before that morning before the visit - so that told me something fishy was going on (at only 35 + 4 weeks), and maybe just doing an induction would be best. But wait! A footling breech!! That would mean automatic c-section by their standards. Not cool.
They agreed to admit me to the hospital, but to not do anything until the next morning so that I could try and turn baby using different positions. (www.spinningbabies.com). In fact I was in triage with my butt up in the air, rocking and swaying my hips to encourage her to turn. All the nurses heard about me and stopped by my room for one reason or another to ask what I was doing, if it would work… and such.
We knew she could turn, as she had literally been head down when I walked into their office, so it was a possible for her to move again. Off we went to the hospital to be admitted. This time, however, I was walking in prepared. Birth plan in hand (which we’d showed to the doctor and he was really pleased with), I had an overnight bag/ipod just in case. The boys were being well taken care of, and this time I had someone with me.
We were admitted, and by the end of the night I was pretty confident that she had turned to head down. But just in case she didn’t turn, one of the doctors had agreed to do a external version in the OR with a spinal in my back in case it turned into an emergency section. But the fact that they were giving me the chance of skipping a c-section made me happier, and more willing to do a c-section. They stopped giving me my heparin shots that night in preparation for induction the next day.
The next morning, Oh I wish everyone could have seen the look on that doctors face when she put the ultrasound wand to my belly and saw that baby was INDEED head down. She was NOT expecting that and couldn’t believe it. I swear she scanned my belly 3 times from top to bottom, her mouth slightly hanging open in shock. It was priceless.
“Did you manually turn her???” she asked. “No. I didn’t. I used hands and knees, and when I noticed her head was down by my right hip I started bobbing it to encourage her to move. Guess it worked huh?!”
So yay to that. Now the induction didn’t actually start until a tad bit later in the morning. Different things were suggested. Popping my water, internal electrode on baby’s head, foley cath to manually dilate my cervix, pitocin, and cytotec.. and such.
I said no to:
popping my water
internal monitoring
and cytotec. (which the second nurse was kind of a bitch about, but who cares I still didn’t get it. IN FACT – I had ammo against them. In 1998, at the hospital I was at, a woman and her baby had died due to cytotec use in labor. A sad story, but if they had pushed me I could have used it against them.)
Pitocin I was fine with as long as we upped it slowly and I could request them to back down the dosage if I felt it was too much. The foley cath I was also fine with (as long as my membranes were kept in tact.)
We started with the pitocin to get things going. In the beginning it kicked in pretty quick, stayed for a little while and I focused through the birthing waves. They immediately felt strong like say 6-7cm dilated kind of strong, and not once did they thoroughly go away and give me a break. Then they suddenly spaced out and went completely away. That was at 2ml/hour. We upped the dosages 2ml at a time, every 20-30 mins until my waves were spaced closer together. 4ml came and went, as did 6ml. I think it was around 8ml-10ml that things were long, strong and very close together. So I really started working through them.
Here’s were things begin to get fuzzy for me.
When labor really kicked into gear, I was doing a lot of pacing, walking the halls. Dancing, Hula hooping my hips, squatting up and down, up and down. Birth ball, rocking chair, hands and knees, squatting in the shower. On the floor, sometimes in the bed. I was all over that room. It was suddenly very VERY focus worthy. I immediately turned off the tv, turned on the Hypnobabies from my ipod docker in the room and did my thing as needed. They did want continuous monitoring, and MAN baby girl was a mover. We were constantly having to readjust the monitor. But the nurses (I had 5 total) were completely awesome about moving WITH me and letting me do my own thing. I had one nurse (the second one) who wasn’t quite who I would have chosen as my nurse. I ate when I could, which wasn’t often. I think the nurses caught on and started staying in the room for longer periods. That and she kept moving around in there and we’d lose her on the monitor again which required them to fix it again. For having been continuously monitored – them working with me instead of the other way around was a great arrangement.
They had telemetry which I could walk around with and take in the shower. So that was a nice bonus. In fact, Dr. Awesome specifically told them to put me in the room with the ONLY telemetry monitor left! It was a small room compared to the others, but SO WORTH IT.
Overall It was amazing. The contractions felt great. Like I said, long strong and coming fast… but it felt good to be doing something productive instead of sitting on my butt waiting for things to get going. (boring!)
I did find that it was difficult to stay out of my own head. To surrender my thoughts, and not be on guard. But I think that comes with changing from homebirth to a hospital birth (that you didn’t want anyway), and having seen mostly "not good" experiences in other hospitals. You’re prepared for the worst, while trying to expect the best and work with your caregivers so things stay amiable.
The later into the night it got I decided it would be okay if I was checked, and if I’d progressed a little then we’d insert the foley cath. In the beginning I was 1/2cm dilated and 20% effaced. (considering I know I had been at least 2cm and 70% effaced before - I think that says something about fear of the hospital and me trying to keep her in for worry about it being too early. )
They checked me and I had progressed from 1/2cm to 1cm. Dr. Awesome was on call that night. "I’m in charge" as he told me, and he wanted to make sure we pushed things slowly. Said if I wanted he’d stop the pit so I could eat. We talked over all my options, and how he felt we should proceed (which was super gentle, no popping my water and I completely agreed with everything he said. Minus that he didn’t want me eating WHILE on pit…)
He said that he would choose the best person for the foley cath insertion. I said "you can’t do it?" …"You don’t want me doing it. Guess when the last time I did one of those was…." lmao
But he was right. He was definitely in charge. He kept residents out of my room and left me to labor as I wished. And the person he chose for the foley cath - is a foley cath QUEEN. I swear. She gave me two options, to blindly put it in without a speculum, or to use a speculum. She said that she’s grown quite good at inserting it blindly if that was okay with me. I said that would be preferred, that I trusted her confidence in her ability to do it quickly that way. She wasn’t kidding either.
The only uncomfortable part was her fingers in my cervix. The catheter itself, as well as them ballooning it with 30ccs of fluid - I didn’t even know it was there except it was hanging between my legs. So that was to be left in until it fell out on it’s own.
I’m not exactly sure when that happened. Some time after I had been in the shower. We flooded the bathroom floor and part of the birthing room with water during that shower! The way the nurse had set up the towels on the shower floor, so I could sit there instead of in a chair – made the water flood out. That shower was smaller than an RV shower. Super tiny and scrunched up in a corner.
I do know I was sitting on the toilet when the catheter came out. That point of it’s release was exciting. I was hoping I would be 3-4cm dilated, but as it turned out I was 2cm. Progression, but still a ways to go. I think it mainly fell out because I had a bowel movement that I pushed with. TMI, sorry, but I think that’s why.
Bubble of Peace for Hypnobabies Moms. =)
I’ll tell you one thing, pitocin contractions are just what they say they are. Not normal body contractions. They are more intense, peak quicker, and last longer. The monitor was showing that I was having double and triple peak contractions 1-2 minutes apart, lasting at least a minute long each. They would be constantly intense, never fully going away. Overall very manageable with my hypnosis. I say that honestly. But they were constantly intense, lots of pressure. Baby’s heartrate blessedly stayed BEAUTIFUL through it all. She was just swirling around in there, changing positions constantly. Sometimes all the intensity would be in my back, or my left hip, or on my pubic bone.
In sitting down to think about it all, I think the birthing lasted more like 36 hours on pit, rather than 48. Since some of that time the contractions died down until they dialed up the pit again.
You all know me, and while this wasn’t the most ideal situation by my own standards, God really blessed this birthing with the right staff/doctors, her heartrate staying healthy and strong the ENTIRE time, and everything played out just how it needed to. So I am thankful for that. If I had to have another hospital birth (I’d rather it without pit of course), this is exactly what I’d want to have. Everyone was VERY respectful of my birthing plan. I say if you’re going to write one, DON’T USE A CHECKLIST BIRTHING PLAN.
KNOW what you want, why you want it and be willing to change your plans should the need arise for it. Having care providers who are willing to work with you is also a bonus. Besides one doctor I had that night, all the rest were excellent about staying out of my way and letting me do things how I needed them to be done to work with my birthing waves. They said they could tell I was educated on my decisions, and am passionate about my choices. Which told them I hadn’t made the birthing plan flippantly.
As day one ended, and the night edged further and further into morning of day two… I had had 3 half hour naps total. The bed was way too cushy for comfort, so I laid blankets on the floor and laid down. When the change of staff happened, the current nurse laughed and told the new one, “Doula is in the chair, patient’s mom is in the bed….and the patient is on the floor.” lol
After my last nap, I felt very refreshed – although not as much sleep as my body actually required. I did take a couple of seriously short power naps in the rocker. At one point I had a quick dream about lighters (no clue…), and talked in my sleep about Nate bringing the smaller of them all. I opened my eyes and everybody was looking at me. That shows how exhausted I was becoming.
But I moaned on. I stole an entire strawberry cream cheese danish while the nurse was away and ate that as fast as I could. I would have mom or my doula sit next to me with food, so it would look like they were eating it, and not myself. I would hold a cup of ginger ale in my hand and start chugging it when the nurse came in to hide the smell of food on my breath. If I heard the nurse come in while I had food in my hand, I would throw it at my doula and she’d start eating it. That was torturous. But I ate what I could, when I could, as they were ADAMENT that I be NPO while on pit.
The day worn on, and I rocked, danced, swayed, moaned. I would take a deep deep breath and let it out slowly in a deep moan for as long as I could, then repeat it. Sometimes it would peak hard and fast and make me gasp, and I’d have to restart the moan again. The moaning felt so good with the contractions. I would squat (like an exercise type squat that is halfway between standing and the floor) using the bed for support and rock from side to side.
This nurse was excellent about continuously holding the monitor in the right place so she could trace baby. Her hand would ACHE so she’d switch. I could have kissed her.
As it got to be early afternoon the contractions grew further from being manageable (I’ve had an upset stomach that hurt worse) and into discomfort and then at the end there was pain.
The only thing I can think, besides it being pit induced… was that my mind was exhausted. I wasn’t progressing very fast (my body didn’t want to let this 35 week baby out).
And since all hypnosis is self hypnosis, and you have to use the power of your mind for it to work – I had no power left. My mind was beyond exhausted. I had about 3-4 hours sleep two nights previous, and 1.5 hours the last night. I was fighting hard to stay in focus. To use my Hypnobabies tools like I’d been doing so well with.
My Hypnobabies helped me so much. I had started practicing it at around 16 weeks — since I really felt like I need the daily relaxation to get away from the stress of the blood clots in pregnancy and what that entailed with the doctors visits. I *love* Hypnobabies. I practiced it daily, and it helped to keep me calm and focused - even when I was beginning to get tired and feel the contractions as more “pain” and less “pressure”, I was still feeling in control. In fact I was quite cheery in between contractions, but with little to no sleep it was time for something else. When they checked me I was 5cm.
I feel that if I had continued like how I was, trying to work with my body – but failing and beginning to tense up. Lack of sleep, starting to hurt like I was… I would have no energy to push my baby out. I would rather a vaginal delivery with drugs, than a c-section for fighting too hard and not accepting something that would help.
Getting an epidural was SUCH a hard decision. I felt like… I’d done it twice before, why couldn’t I this time? Not that I had failed, not in the least bit.. but rather my brain haze wasn’t coming to the realization that my body was too tired to keep going at that type of pace.
Me crying because I’m exhausted. Saying “I’m so tired”, and my mom trying to hide her tears.
Nate said I’d regret my decision. Not quite what I needed to hear, but how he thought I’d feel later.
In reality, I really don’t think I do.
Like I said, it was definitely a hard decision to “give up” on myself, but in actuality I was helping myself. I always tell women.. sometimes you do what you need to do to have a healthy birthing. No matter what.
There were a lot of interventions that I was adamant about not having. I refused them immediately (but was open to them if I absolutely needed it.) I was thankful for staff/doctors who played by my game – while I played by theirs to have a healthy baby.
I told them in the beginning…. “I’m using Hypnosis for this birth. I’ve used it twice before and I’m quite confident in it. However, I’ve never done it with pitocin… so I’m also open to an epidural later if I need it.” Drugs were never mentioned again. Ever. Until I brought it up.
Here’s an amazing thing. When I said “I’m done. I give up. I’m so so tired and I’m not sure I can go on like this.” They encouraged a hot shower. The nurse told me about other options – knowing I didn’t want drugs. That I wanted a natural birth.
My doula put me in the shower with scalding hot water. Told me “Let’s give this one hour, just to see how this goes.” She sent in my husband to sit with me. My mom was crying watching me hurting, my doula had tears in her eyes while she comforted my mom. And I was in the shower moaning and getting hit again and again with contractions that never actually went away. My doula went to pray with my mom, and when she came back in she asked me, “Michael, would you like me to put in an order for an epidural?” I paused and looked at her, then decided yes. I needed this intervention. “I’m so tired. I can’t keep going like this.”
So everyone was amazing while we waited for things to get together. They had to draw my blood to check my platelet levels. If they were below a certain level – no epi. We were thinking “oh my god, what if no epi is allowed??” Here’s another way God made things happen perfectly. My levels were slightly above where they needed to be.
It felt like hours and hours before things were ready. When they checked me, I was again measuring at 5cm. As the doctor said “Well, I don’t exactly have a tape measure to put in there, but you still feel like you’re 5cm.” If I had been further along, I may have pressed on. I had already asked for the pit to be turned down. In fact, they turned it completely off until I got the epi, but the contractions were still double and triple peaking.
My fear was about the needle, and about my inability to stay still during a contraction. I told my nurse “I need to hold you.” And she said, “no honey I need to hold you…” so I wouldn’t reach back or anything during insertion. I grabbed her wrists and thrust her hands onto my knees and gripped her so hard as a contraction went rocking through my pubic bone. lol After it ended, she wiggled free and grabbed my neck, pushing her fist into my chest to arch my back.
Epidural was placed, and slowly slowly the pain ended. I still felt it in my left hip, so I laid on my left side so the drugs would go to that area. I could still feel my legs. I could feel the threads of the bed sheets. I would get an itch in one spot, but when I scratched it – I’d find no relief, because I couldn’t feel my fingers scratching that area. It was quite a weird feeling. I don’t like having an epidural.
The anesthesiologist left and I immediately passed out for at least an hour. When I woke up, my hip was aching from being in one position for too long. So they gave me a bolus of meds. But before too long, the contractions were rocking through that left hip again. So we decided to redo the epidural. No fun, no fun.
The doctor checked me after that and found that I was *still* 5cm. We talked about breaking my water, and I told him that was completely fine. Which shocked him, since I’d refused for so long. He could feel her head on my cervix, but she was still negative station. I told him, “I didn’t want to break my water earlier because I didn’t want her stuck in a bad position. You had pumped me full of fluids because you were afraid of the levels and it squishing her cord. It seemed backwards to get rid of that cushion we’d been given.” So I think that helped him better understand why I’d refused it before. This was a different doctor on call at this point. So we broke my water, and he left me to dilate some more.
A few hours later, another resident came in with the previous doctor to check my progress. 8cm!!! Wahoo, progress! I told the doctor, “I’d like to labor down when it’s time to deliver.” and she agreed. I also wanted to be upright. They could arrange the bed “birthing stool” style, where the bottom is lowered but not detached. Since I had a lot of feeling in my legs, could move them by myself and adjust myself fairly well, they agreed I could do that, with the squat bar in place. I could also pee in a bed pan (twice actually lol, which apparently was a surprise for them) so I didn’t require a urinary catheter.
The resident asked me if I felt any rectal pressure. I told her no, “but I feel vaginal pressure.” However she felt that wasn’t important. LMAO.
They walked out and I asked for a bucket to throw up in. Although, nothing ever came out. It’s hard to throw up when there’s NOTHING on your stomach.
I turned to the nurse a few minutes later and said “I feel bulging. I seriously feel like she’s coming out, can you check me?”
The nurse gloved up, felt inside and baby wasn’t even a KNUCKLE on her finger from coming out. I said “do we have to tell the doctor right now? or can we wait till she’s out?” I agreed that because she’s so early that it would be important for them to come in soon after she was born, just in case we did have breathing issues.
Just then the nurses at the desk with the monitors came over the speaker and asked if everything was okay in our room. They could see by the monitors that her heart rate was changing from her decent. The lovely nurse in my room replied “everything is fine, we’re just letting mom labor down…” (or something along those lines) We quickly got out the video camera – so we have the birth on video!! As well as pictures!!
I asked “so do I push?” I could feel her coming down, but with an epidural – I don’t know - it all felt so new. lol I ended up pushing while letting my breath out. “Breathing baby down”. Letting the contractions do all the work.
I had my hand over myself, letting her gently coming out, guiding my own skin. When she was close to really crowning, it was in between a contraction, so I pushed a little and eased her head out slowly. The nurse just stood there and let me do it all alone. When her head was fully out, the nurse undid the cord from around her neck.
She called pediatrics on the phone, and pushed the nurse call button. “WE HAVE HEAD!!! Oh my sweety, how’d you come out so fast??? Get a doctor in here, we have head!!!!!” lmao. As if it all happened so suddenly.
Everybody rushed in and the resident rushed over to cut the cord. I said “don’t cut the cord!!!!” and she backed off. The nurse was rubbing her a bit hard, so I asked her to rub her gently and she immediately rubbed her softly, while I held her up close, patted her butt and such. She had great muscle tone, but I knew they’d want to hear her cry. She let out a few wails but mostly she seemed stunned. I went from 8cm and -2 station, to her being born in 15mins.
The doctor came in at that point and said “YOU HAD HER WITH OUT ME???? Guess you got your home birth huh??? har har har…”
::slight fake laugh from me:: “hah… uh. yeah.”
I heard him talking to the nurse, “Gestational age? 35 weeks??? We need her assessed right now.”
I heard the awesome nurse who helped me have a gentle birth say I wanted the cord intact, so the pediatrician asked me permission to cut the cord. So I said yes and they took her to the warmer. Her apgar scores were 8 and 9.
She’s in transit below, the nurse by Nate is taking her over to the warmer.
Once they felt she was fine (maybe 5 mins?) they brought her back over to me. I sent Nate over there. I kept asking about her breathing – pediatric doctor said she was perfect so I asked for her back. All other newborn procedures like weight, height, the vaccines we refused, were done up in post partum care in the nursery. We went with her. Which while we were there, there were quite a few babies in the unit. A good half of them were SCREAMING their heads off. And no body. No body was paying them any attention. It was so hard to be in there, but I was glad we were there for Trillian just in case.
She surprised me with not only healthy lungs, but a healthy appetite. She immediately found my breast and nursed with such a strong suck!
The resident was adamant about the placenta coming out quickly. I kept vaguely saying…”Patience. it’ll come out. my placentas have always come out very quickly.. how’s my bleeding – should I be worried?”
She said my bleeding was fine, and I had no tears as well.. so I asked her to wait a bit longer for the placenta. At the 30 minute mark she explained about how placentas HAVE to come out by then… rules, policies.. blah blah. She asked if she could put some gentle traction. I agreed and pushed a little to help her effort. She said, “you don’t have to push…” as she’s putting lots of pressure on my fundus. ROFL. I pushed anyway, and the placenta was sitting in my vagina. So she pulled it out. It felt harder to get out than the baby! lol
Besides sore muscles from constant movement, and a sore spine from the epi I don’t even FEEL like I had a baby. My vagina feels completely normal. They kept telling me I was swollen. That I *had* to use the witch hazel pads, that I *had* to use the cortisone foam spray for healing… but seriously – Now that I could actually see myself… I looked/felt normal. Don’t get me wrong. I’m taking it easy. I have a LOT of family up right now, there’s very little I have to do by myself. All I need is to ask. I’m blessed with lots of loving people to surround me.
Roan has immediately latched on to her. Willem has been teething all four of his molars so he’s a bit crabby, but they argue over who gets to hold her. Roan will sit there watching tv, but he has his sister in his lap (with someone nearby just in case) and the most beautiful, content little smile on his face. As if HE were the proud papa. lol I was sad they couldn’t be there to see her born. I really am. That’s another special thing I feel like *I* have missed out on by not having a home birth. Oh well. When they came to visit me the next day in the hospital, they noticed her in the bassinet right away and were so excited to touch and hold her. It made me feel so lucky to be a mother to such sweet boys.
Look! She’s smaller than a baby doll!!
